Indecision 2006

So today is election day in Canada. I confess, I'm an election junkie. I watch the results on TV all night long. I know exactly where I was when the "NON" vote won by 1% in 1995 (parents basement in front of the television), and I know where I was when Florida switched from "blue" state to "red" state in 2000 (I left a friend's place when it was Blue, and by the time I arrived home, it was Red).

This year I didn't vote. It wasn't out of apathy or laziness, but because I didn't receive a ballot. Right after the election was called, I received my "overseas voters package" in the mail. There was no ballot inside. I called Elections Canada and they said they would send another one to me, and it never arrived. By the time I realised that it might not be coming, it was too late to call again. Considering that I had to rely on both Canada Post and Ireland's An Post, I'm not suspecting that Elections Canada knew that I voted NDP last time around.

Speaking of who to vote for, I can't wait to see what this election will bring. It seems as though everyone is finally sick of the Martin Liberals, but there isn't much of an alternative. I think many Canadians east of Winnipeg would feel better about voting Conservative if Peter MacKay was leader. Personally, I think the Conservatives are a scary choice. At the end of the day, if Harper wins, he's going to thank those who helped him all those years, not the people who he had to convince in six weeks that he really is a moderate. Those people that he will thank are the whack job Alberta Conservatives who really believe that what Canada needs is to emulate US social conservatism - because it's not really politics unless it's based on God, guns and gays.

I think the best outcome will be if it turns out that everyone voted Green as a protest vote. They really do have the best ideas, they just don't have the money and a catchier name - they can just ask the Conservative party, formerly known as CRAP, about the wonders of a name change.

Whatever the outcome, the real fun starts tomorrow when all the muzzles come off. Win or lose, all of Harper's Alberta cronies will finally be allowed to say whatever they want.

Pass the popcorn and beer please.

57 Channels

Well not quite. We get 14 channels, but there is still nothing on. Just to illustrate just HOW BAD Irish television is, I've typed out the TV schedule for the main channels for tonight from 7-11. I'm not including the news or sports networks, though I might add that sports=football only, and not always even Premiership level.

7pm
Ear to the Ground - religious show
The Cafe - "fast paced show" with two people I've never heard of
Something Gaelic
Emmerdale - REALLY crappy British soap
Lobby Lives - behind the scenes look at the Belfast Europa Hotel
Seaon Ticket - guide to the weekend soccer, rugby and Gaelic football action
Emmerdale - on another channel!
Channel 4 News
The Simpsons
Hollyoaks - really cheesy "teen" British soap

7.30pm
EastEnders - crappy British soap
Two Wild: Massive Nature
Irish Paint Magic - seriously
10 Years Younger - reality show. Cosmetic experts make haggard people look 10 years younger
EastEnders - on another channel!
Hearts and Minds - gets to the heart of the debate on the future of the Province (I don't know which province)
After They Were Famous - this week: Gary Coleman
The Simpsons
Celebrity (Z-listers) Big Brother Live - crappiest reality show on TV. Everytime you watch it, the baby Jesus cries, and three angels lose their wings.

8pm
Fair City - incredibly crappy Irish soap - it's on EVERY NIGHT at 8pm. What a waste of a prime time slot
Two Wild: Nick's Quest - Nick travels to the North Pole to find out the effect global warming has had on the polar bear population
Something Gaelic
Las Vegas
Seaside Rescue - documentary series on the work of coastal rescue teams
Pay Off Your Mortgage in Two Years - and eat only Ramen noodles in order to do it
The Bill - Steve and Laura are stunned to find a room full of cannabis plants in a student residence. Stunned? Really?
10 Years Younger - Different time, different channel, same reality show crap
Project Catwalk - hosted by Elizabeth Hurley. Search for Britain's next fashion designer. A rip-off of The Apprentice. Oh how the mighty have fallen since the end of the Austin Powers franchise.
Friends - again

8.30pm
Something in Gaelic
Super Vets
Friends - AGAIN. Just in case you haven't seen one of the episodes the first 50 times

9pm
News
The Liffey Laugh - Irish stand-up comedy series
Invasion - series. Town under quarantine. It's the end of the world as we know it.
Supernatural - Sci-fi drama series
Hotel Babylon - drama series set in the world of the luxury 5-star hotel
Horizon - documentary about women who have miscarriages trying to have babies
Eleventh Hour - brand-new thriller series starring Patrick Stewart of Star Trek fame
Celebrity Big Brother - another time, another channel, in case you haven't lost enough brain cells already today
Cold Case
ER

9.30pm
Prime Time - current affairs
Movie: The Core - heard of it? Me neither

10pm
Hanging with Hector - Hector visits Bruff in Co. Limerick where he catches up with comedian Jon Kenny
Something in Gaelic
Will and Grace - this is still on the air?
BBC News
Pets are People - I'm not making this up
Tony Blair Rock Star - documentary about Blair's attempt to become a rock star while at uni
Bones
Celebrity Big Brother's Big Mouth - a panel of experts discuss the latest happenings in the house. Just in case you really are that stupid.

10.30pm
Something in Gaelic
Hot Properties - the girls are horrified when they learned that they all drink dialled. The horror
Let's Talk - audience discussion programme that tackles the big issues in Northern Ireland
News
News
My Name is Earl

10.45pm
The West Wing - because with all the other worthy shows on earlier in the evening, this one isn't worthy of a prime time slot

This is a representation of what's on TV on a nightly basis - or rather, what's NOT on TV. Soapstar Superstar might be over, because that's been on almost every night for the past few weeks. Third-rate soapstars on a Pop Idol-esque reality show is way, way worse than the regular Pop Idol. Obviously the Irish don't know what real TV is, because they lap it up. The first few episodes of "Weeds" were on TV in December, but it's now off the air. I guess the acting and writing wasn't up to snuff.

What does an Irish programmer have for qualifications? Zero knowledge of popular culture and really bad taste? Hell, a monkey can do a better job. Before someone comments that the Irish broadcasters probably don't have the funds to buy half decent programmes, and by the way, Hollywood Squares is better than most of these, and is probably not as expensive, half of the channels I get are British. Not only that, but anyone who owns a TV - even if it's a non-working set, have to pay a TV license of EUR150 a year. So, we paid EUR150 just to turn the TV on. This tax is ostensibly so that the Irish public television station can bring quality programming to the Irish market.

I shouldn't complain, I don't pay anything for cable. We plugged in the TV and we magically received a bunch of channels. They were just there. However, the TV license inspector did pay us a visit and remind us of our obligations as privileged TV owners. I bet his mother is proud of him. So, we did cough up EUR150 so that we won't miss a single episode of "Pets are People" and "Celebrity Big Brother."

I've been Googling "online TV on demand" in the hopes of finding a reliable site where I can download TV programmes. I'll even pay a small fee. No luck so far, but I can't wait for it to catch on.