The Petulant CryBaby Club

I'm no fan of Christiano Ronaldo, but I am even less of a fan of Wayne Rooney and the entire English squad.

Maybe it's because I live in Ireland and therefore get innundated with the English media. I know the starting lineup of the English soccer team, and all their wives and girlfriends, which the tabloids affectionately term the WAGs. If England won it would be insufferable. Further, I just don't like the players, they are real rough lager lout types. Shreck, oops I mean Rooney, is a complete yob.

I've come to the conclusion that the English soccer team is the Toronto Maple Leafs of international football. They haven't won since the sixties, and there is no shortage of people who can tell you all about those heady, glory days of 1966. Which is incidentally before I was born. In the past few international tournaments, they have put out a middling team, due to a coach and management who refuse to make tough decisions when it comes to the roster, but yet everyone in the country is convinced that they will win the Cup because it is their destiny.

England finally made their World Cup 2006 exit on Saturday in typical controversial fashion. The English fans are proving just how blindly subjective they really are. I have heard the following ad nauseum:

• They lost because the Portuguese are cheating divers and England refuses to stoop to that level. They don't dive, they play fair, and it's really not too much to ask that the ref abide by the rules of fair play.
• The ref is Argentinian, and therefore wanted England to lose (Hand of God Part II or revenge for the Falklands War, you choose the conspiracy theory).
• Ronaldo discussed tactics with Scolari to get Rooney kicked out of the game. The wink he made towards the Portuguese bench when the red card was shown proved this.
• The ref deliberately did not call a hand ball in the penalty area so that Portugal could win.

The English need to get over this by accepting the following facts:

• The English team was not that good. They were not looking stellar at any point in the tournament, and had they been in a tougher group, they would have struggled to get out of the group stage. Would they have beated Mexico in the second round like Argentina did? Would they have beaten Holland or Australia?
• Riling Looney Rooney up is like shooting fish in a barrel. If he wants to be a great player, he needs to learn to keep his head. As it is, he's a liability. He did stomp on the Portuguese player, and then pushed Ronaldo in front of the ref. He is the dumbest football player out there, and that's saying a lot. A great player keeps his cool and can get past the goading and the psychological games. If Ronaldo did discuss ways to get Rooney out of the game with his coach, well that's not hard first of all, and second of all, unsettling your opponents is part of the game. If Rooney is too stupid and falls for it every time, then maybe, just maybe, he should go back to his anger management classes.
• Anyone who says that the Brits never dive have never seen Joe Cole or Michael Owen play.
• David Beckham deliberately flipped the ball at the Portuguese defender's arm to draw a penalty. Sorry, what was that about never cheating?
• Diving hasn't been exclusive to the Portuguese, Italian, Argentinian or Spanish team. Michael Ballack has made a few meals out of minor knocks throughout the tournament. EVERY TEAM is guilty of diving or making more out of a fall in order to draw a free kick.
• The English team sucks at penalty kicks. Or as one journalist put it, they took penalty kicks with the skill of a bunch of eight-year olds.
• Lampard couldn't hit an empty net at two yards out.
• The only English player that really excelled in the quarterfinal match was the Canadian that the British fans boo whenever he enters the stadium. He was the only one who scored a penalty kick too. On Canada Day.
• Just because it was an Argentinian ref does not mean it was Hand of God Part II. This wasn't a conspiracy. England just didn't win, and if they did, there is no way they would make it out of the semis. They just weren't going to win the cup, and we all need to accept this and move on.

Portugal wasn't stellar either, but they won in the end - without their main playmaker, Deco. They were also really beaten down from their slugfest against Holland. They kept it together just enough to pull through. Portugal is not the cleanest of teams, I'll admit, but it wasn't enough to make England lose. England just did not have enough in them to win.

900 pubs and nowhere to go

Ok, so I hate going out in Dublin. It's only the feeling every couple of weeks that I really should be sociable that gets me out of the apartment. If I had more reclusive tendencies, I just wouldn't bother at all.

So last night, I went out to dinner with a couple of friends. We hadn't made reservations, and every place was completely packed. Yes, you need to make reservations to go out in Dublin, which annoys me to no end. I'm supposed to decide what I feel like eating six days in advance??? We ended up at "Gruel", which is a funky restaurant with good food. This restaurant is an anomoly in Dublin - it serves breakfast until late in the day on weekends, and has french toast with real maple syrup, and the bread is not crap Wonder Bread. We got a seat downstairs on the couch in the corner, which was perfect. The only thing was that a rugby team was in the small room as well, so it started to get really loud after awhile.

I was perfectly content to stay there despite the rugby team, but I could tell my friends wanted to move on. I didn't want to, I knew what was out there - completely nothing! 900 pubs in Dublin and nowhere decent to go - especially on a Saturday night.

So off we went. I had already decided that I wasn't drinking because I had to do some work today. We went into one bar, "The Bank", that I like to go to in late afternoon if I'm meeting people. They have good drinks. My friend suggested it because she thought I would agree, but I didn't. I knew it would be really loud and obnoxious at this time of night. Thing is, I couldn't think of any place else to go.

In Dublin there are really a few categories of bars:
Old Man Pubs
Tosser bars (majority)
Yuppie bars - expensive and full of tossers
Wine bars - good wine, zero ambience - except for one but I can't get anyone to go there because they don't even sell bottled Perroni, just wine
Hotel bars - comfy seats, good atmosphere - though called inauthentic by my friends (they want authentic too?? have to go to another city for that), great drinks - very expensive
Tourist bars - to be avoided at all costs

Old man pubs themselves fall into two categories. Ones where women are really not welcome, no matter what the law says on the matter, and those where a woman can go without being subtly told to go somewhere else (no really, I'm not exaggerating). Old man pubs are the best for being able to get a seat and holding a conversation. However, there is nothing to drink at all.

I don't drink beer anymore. The draught beer in Ireland (and the UK for that matter) makes me sick, literally. It's the chemicals and preservatives that they put into the systems, I get physically ill after two pints. I can drink beer in Canada no problem, and I can drink bottled imports. In an Old Man Pub, there is draught beer, which I can't have; Guinness, which I only want in the afternoon - it's just too filling to have at night; bottled beer - Budweiser, Miller Genuine Draft, or Corona without lime. These bars never have lemons or limes. They also don't have a better selection of bottled beer - no Budvar, no Grolsch, no Tiger. I don't drink Budweiser at home, I'm sure as hell not drinking it here. The wine they serve is the worst kind of Chateau Plonk. Beware wine that comes in a quarter bottle - no matter what kind of bar you're in. It's all bad news. And as for hard liquor, ever hear of Cork Dry Gin or Huzzar Vodka? No? Well there is a reason for that. The Irish aren't particularly choosy drinkers, whereas a bar in Canada wouldn't be able to sell anything less than Beefeater or Smirnoff. In fact, Cork Dry Gin smells like chocolate. I kid you not! Though that may just be a symptom of an impending stroke or aneurysm from ingesting radically foreign chemicals into the body, and causing a radical potassium imbalance.

I should add that to order a sparkling water or soft drink will cost you about EUR2.50 for about 200ml. A pint of Guinness is around EUR4.00.

Ok, so to summarise Old Man Pub (where women can go) = good conversation, nothing to drink

So where else? There are very few bars in Dublin where you can have a good drink, get a seat (I hate standing for long periods of time and even more - I hate being jostled every two seconds as people walk back and forth), and carry a conversation on a weekend night - and is not full of tossers. Though to be honest, at this point, I would be happy with getting a seat, a nice cocktail and able to hold a conversation. I think the tosser aspect is inevitable in Dublin.

But while we're on the subject. There is an unbelievable number of tossers in Dublin. When I go out, sometimes I like dressing up, but usually I wear jeans. No matter what, I'm always underdressed here, and I certainly am wearing the least amount of makeup. Take "The Bank", the bar we were at last night. We were standing being jostled while sipping the world's heaviest Merlot (and we have all seen Sideways, or should have, so why are bars still even carrying this grape?) I was the most dressed up in the group, wearing a jean skirt, knee-high boots, and a wrap sweater. I was seriously out-dressed by the women at this bar. If I were to start looking like them, I would need to spend two hours with a straightening iron before going out, and start to apply my makeup with a spatula. Why are they trying so hard? All the men their age haven't been to the dentist in years and still live with their mammy. The town is just full of people who are trying way too hard. It's pathetic and it reeks of desperation. They all HAVE to find someone and get married. It's like my friend said to me once when we were at "Tonic" in Blackrock, a pathetic try-hard bar of the worst kind. He said, "you know, when you think about it, this is the most outre these people get. This is them being young, wild and crazy. It's really sad, isn't it. They think they're REALLY living life, but really they're going to some stupid bar every Thursday night, hoping desperately someone will notice them." Ok, so he's a bit bitter sometimes, but he has a point. I don't know how else to describe it, but it's the posing of the university scene (but in dresses and makeup) several years after university has ended. Sad in that Tori Spelling comeback special kind of way.

All I want is someplace with comfy chairs and good drinks. When I've found that place, I'll let you know. In the meantime, they sell nice reds at Tesco and I have two couches in my apartment.

Fire and Ice

March has come and gone, and I am glad to see it go. It's not a pleasant month in Ireland - wind, rain, and too many drunk people celebrating a Saint known for his temperance.

It has really passed by me in a fog as I've been living to work instead of working to live, which as we all know isn't why I came to Ireland in the first place, but I'm really focusing on my career right now.

To reward myself for working so much over the past two months, I decided to take a couple extra days at Easter and go somewhere. At first I was going to go to Budapest with a friend, but she didn't want to go at Easter because the prices are a bit higher than for other weekends. Though we have yet to set a date for that, I still wanted to do something at Easter. I have a four-day weekend that's just burning a hole in my calendar. I then decided that Istanbul would be nice. Something different, exotic, expanding my horizons beyond Europe proper, and warm weather. But I didn't get around to booking.

A few weeks ago, I got it into my head that I must go skiing. Not it would be nice to go skiing, but I MUST go skiing. I started to look at options and resorts, but it was hard going. Most web sites were touting ski packages that were expensive, and demanded a full week stay - from Saturday to Saturday. I finally found a flight & hotel option I liked on Expedia.co.uk, which by the way, has some great deals and ideas. The package was to fly into Geneva, and stay in Brides-les-Bains in France for £300 from Friday to Monday. Not bad. I checked a ski rental online, and I could rent skis, poles and boots for the whole weekend for EUR60. The only thing was the ski conditions. Brides-les-Bains doesn't have a high altitude, so it ranks low for spring skiing, and Easter is late this year. Not that I'm a good enough skier to care about ski conditions, and I am from Ontario - the icier the better, but it would be nice for there to be snow. Then I found out that you can link into the Three Valleys pass, a short gondola ride away. That pass includes Meribel and I believe Courcheval - resorts that are way out of my league, but if they're good enough for the Brits, then I can ski them too.

Before I had gotten around to booking, I was talking to a friend of mine. She was thinking of going to Iceland for Easter and wondered if I was interested at all. Am I? Iceland is SO COOL, I love going to places that are interesting, but that no one goes to - like Slovenia, or Prague in 1991 before the Brits and Irish found out that beer is the equivalent of a Euro. Even better, I would have a travel companion for a change.

It's set. Reykjavik here I come.

Artistic Interpretation

I'll give the BBC one thing about their Olympic coverage: when the Ice Dance compulsory skate was underway, the Italian couple came in first. The commentators didn't agree, and said: "There may be a new marking system, but it's still ice dancing." Brilliant. It almost makes up for the fact that they keep interviewing the British ice dancing couple who have annoying Scottish accents and totally bug me.

One other thing bugs me about ice dancing in this Olympics: the costumes. Is it just me, or are they getting worse and worse? Since so much of ice dancing is based on artistic impression, musical interpretation and overall performance, in my opinion, the costumes count. I think there should be a costume judge - there are plenty of qualified people with taste out there, and there should be deductions for tacky costumes. Just like when someone falls, the overall performance is diminished, so too when the team is wearing what seems to be Henry VIII on acid.

In fact, I think this should be implemented across all figure skating disciplines.

2010 Olympic Hopeful

I've noticed that there is a certain percentage of Olympic athletes that are taking advantage of dual citizenship in order to compete in the Olympics. I don't really have a problem with this; if you can't make it for your home country, then by all means make it for your adopted one. Though, I have to say that this has certainly bitten Canada in the ass. Dale Begg-Smith received the gold medal for Australia in the men's moguls, though born and raised in BC and emigrated only last year. All the goals scored against the men's hockey team were at the hands of Canadians playing for other countries, and the female ice dancer skating for the US is from Kingston, Ontario, and ony received her US citizenship last week.

I was watching the cross-country skiing coverage and the BBC interviewed the lone Irish cross-country skier. It was a piece on the skiers from countries where there is no snow - Costa Rica, Thailand, Ethiopia, and Ireland. All of them knew they weren't globally competitive and they didn't care, they were here for the ride. It hit me. Not to belittle their achievements, which are great and I admire them, but if I get a decent pair of cross-country skis, head over to the Continent to practice every chance I get, I too could be an Olympic athlete. Ireland doesn't have a women's cross-country team. I could be it!

See you in Vancouver. Though, I'll be really old by then - as far as Olympic athletes go.

Deep thoughts

There are still news stories about Muslims protesting about the cartoons. Doesn't anyone realise that the cartoons are only news now because someone high up in the Islamic world wants them to be news? They were originally printed in September, and only now there is a furor - because someone brought them to the Middle East to stoke the flames. What are the motives for this?

But what I wonder most is that people who don't have access to basic medical care, schooling, or sometimes even food, somehow are able to get their hands on Danish flags. Where are they getting them from?

Addendum

I forgot to mention yesterday that when the BBC commentator said that Canada was currently leading Italy 13-0 in women's hockey, she said, "Canada is leading Italy 13-0 in the third quarter.

It's so bad.

The sorry state of BBC sports coverage

So I'm a bit of an Olympics junkie. As much as I think the Games are an overly commercial spectacle, and its lofty ideals have been hijacked by corporate greed, doping, bad judging and probably the Russian Mafia, I still love to watch.

But this year I'm in Ireland, and the Irish couldn't give a toss about the Winter Olympics - I'm guessing because there are no horses involved (it's weird how much they love their horses). Though I have to say that I'm really surpirsed that they haven't embraced curling yet. Didn't anyone tell them that the sport involves drinking?

Anyway, since it's far more fascinating to watch Big Bruvva, or whatever the crap reality show of the moment is, RTE, the ever-fabulous Irish Broadcaster, is not showing ANY of the Olympics. Not even a 1/2 hour highlight show. Why would you, when Blackrock are playing Terenure in Rugby? Never heard of Blackrock and Terenure? Well they're suburbs of Dublin - and they're both even on the same side of the Liffey. Yep, high quality international-level sports matches are being played right here in Dublin, preventing the broadcaster from showing a little-known sporting event that is held only once every four years.

Luckily, I get BBC2. Unluckily, they only seem committed to showing about two hours of coverage a day. So far, my verdict is that the BBC coverage is really lacking. You would think that if they're only broadcasting for two hours a day, they would try to cram in as much sports and results as possible. Oh no, instead today I watched an interview with Andre Bochelli, who will be singing in the closing ceremony, an interview with an American skier, and an interview with Herman Meier. They did mention that Germany has two gold medals, Norway - 1, US - 1, and Canada - 1, but didn't mention in which sports these medals were won. They likewise didn't mention any silver or bronze winners. It makes me long for the days of watching American coverage where they would tell you all about an event - as long as an American was involved.

I knew there would be problems during the coverage of the opening ceremony. I started to count how many times they mentioned Torvill & Dean (way too many). That was like, so 1984. It's almost annoying as "Miracle on Ice", except that American Olympic coverage is on 24/7. The commentators glossed over the Canadians coming in because they were still rabbiting on about Sarajevo from when the Bosnia & Herzegovina team came in earlier. They then quickly added, "Canada is great in team sports. The mens & womens team won gold in ice hockey in 2002, made sweeter by beating the Americans, and they have good curling teams - oh and they might play Great Britain, blah blah blah, UK women's curling supremacy, blah blah blah." In the pre-Olympics show, they couldn't say "Canada's gold medal win in hockey" (mens or womens), without adding "made all the sweeter by beating the US" every single time.

Just as an aside, what's up with the lumberjack chic motif of the Canadian uniforms?

Today they covered the women's moguls final, and the short-programme of the pairs figure skating, but they cut away from that to show a bit of luge. They then did a 2-minute highlight montage that showed a German biathelete (I'm guessing one of the medals won today), Jennifer Heil's mogul run, and impressively a couple of clips of the Sweden-Russia women's hockey game. The clips were kind of grainy and far away so I have no idea where they got the coverage from, but they better start buying from the CBC by the time the good games get underway. You could hardly see the players at all because they only had an angle that showed most of the ice surface, which ensures that you can't see any of the action. It looked like they were showing a clip from the 1970's, and for all I know, they were. They then quickly mentioned that currently Canada is beating Italy 13-0 before signing off for the evening.

The BBC should stick with covering cricket and buy coverage from a real sports network.

I checked through the TV guide, and they don't seem to be planning on covering any of the hockey in detail. There is an Australian pub here that shows Hockey Night in Canada games on Sunday afternoons - but only when it doesn't interfere with rugby. Well, as luck would have it, the Six Nations Rugby Tournament is on now - ensuring that the Men's Gold Medal game won't be shown anywhere. Bah. They hold the damn rugby every year and it's just an excuse for the Brits and Irish to drink away the month that is February, so I don't know why they can't postpone it for the Olympics and drink away March instead.

Religion is the Opiate of the Masses

Ok. It's a CARTOON. I just did a search on the Internet and I can't find the actual cartoons anywhere. However, I'm sure they're not that offensive to anyone who is not a religious fanatic.

This furore over the Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammed is very interesting. One of the cartoons is of the Prophet wearing a turban that looks like a bomb. Meanwhile, adherents to Islam, the "religion of peace", are bombing embassies in retaliation, and protesters are calling for the death of the cartoonists. How ironic.

Now, I'm not painting a billion odd Muslims with the same brush. There are plenty of moderate Muslims out there who are not calling for cartoonists to be beheaded. However, I find it very interesting that governments in the Middle East are calling for the Danish government to apologise and are not really doing anything about the violence. The Danish government shouldn't apologise, the media is an independent body not controlled by the Danish government. Of course, countries that don't have independent media or freedom of speech wouldn't understand that distinction. Further, why aren't the governments in Syria or Lebanon condemning the voilence? Why haven't the bombers been arrested? Maybe it's because the government tacitly supports the voilence. Just like the Saudi government tacitly supported 9/11 and fundamental Imams in the UK tactitly supported the transit bombings in London.

After the London transit bombings, the British government said that that the Islamic community in the UK had a responsibility to stop the recruitment of Islamic extremist terrorists within its community and to stop the preaching of hate in the name of the Islamic religion. Likewise, in countries that are using religion to control its population, they too have a responsibility to the world community when their fanatical adherents decide to declare jihad on the Western World.

Now before someone responds by saying Catholics would be offended if there was a cartoon depicting the Pope fondling a boy, I should say that I was raised Catholic and I wouldn't be offended by such a cartoon. In fact, the Catholic Church deserves it. The cover-up of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church comes from the top down. We all know the Pope knows about it, and by turning a blind eye, is condoning it, and Catholics should be ashamed. In Ireland, one priest has been accused of abusing 70 children. 70. Now, in such a small community in southern Wexford, you really have to say, shame on the parents for not coming forward sooner and allowing this to continue because the priest is such a revered member of the Irish community. As it came out in the inquiry, the bishop knew about it and did nothing. When he consulted a lawyer about whether or not the Church could be held for negligence if they heard about the abuse but didn't investigate the accusations, and was told that he and the Church could be held negligent, he took out insurance. That's right. He was told he could be liable and he took out insurance against negligence lawsuits instead of doing the right thing. What a great example of Christianity. I have since decided that while I might believe in the tenets of Christianity, I no longer believe in or respect the Catholic Church as an institution.

But I digress, the freedom of speech includes ideas that are unpopular or offensive. It is only then that we can discuss and debate the merits of the idea in the open. It is only once the idea has been discussed by the populace that it can be either accepted or rejected. If the idea is not allowed to be published because it might cause offence is censorship. With so much violence and crime being committed in the name of God/Allah/whatever, and being sanctioned by religious leaders, it is crucial that our major religions are held up to open scrutiny, and questioning of the institution of religion is not supressed to appease the governments of nations that have no concept of freedom of speech.

That said, this war of Fundamental Islam versus the rest of the world is far from over. As one of the British protesters stated, "Islam is peace but you see there will only be peace when Islam is implemented across the world." The Western World should be worried, but we shouldn't curtail our freedom of speech. If we do, the fundamentalists win.

Indecision 2006

So today is election day in Canada. I confess, I'm an election junkie. I watch the results on TV all night long. I know exactly where I was when the "NON" vote won by 1% in 1995 (parents basement in front of the television), and I know where I was when Florida switched from "blue" state to "red" state in 2000 (I left a friend's place when it was Blue, and by the time I arrived home, it was Red).

This year I didn't vote. It wasn't out of apathy or laziness, but because I didn't receive a ballot. Right after the election was called, I received my "overseas voters package" in the mail. There was no ballot inside. I called Elections Canada and they said they would send another one to me, and it never arrived. By the time I realised that it might not be coming, it was too late to call again. Considering that I had to rely on both Canada Post and Ireland's An Post, I'm not suspecting that Elections Canada knew that I voted NDP last time around.

Speaking of who to vote for, I can't wait to see what this election will bring. It seems as though everyone is finally sick of the Martin Liberals, but there isn't much of an alternative. I think many Canadians east of Winnipeg would feel better about voting Conservative if Peter MacKay was leader. Personally, I think the Conservatives are a scary choice. At the end of the day, if Harper wins, he's going to thank those who helped him all those years, not the people who he had to convince in six weeks that he really is a moderate. Those people that he will thank are the whack job Alberta Conservatives who really believe that what Canada needs is to emulate US social conservatism - because it's not really politics unless it's based on God, guns and gays.

I think the best outcome will be if it turns out that everyone voted Green as a protest vote. They really do have the best ideas, they just don't have the money and a catchier name - they can just ask the Conservative party, formerly known as CRAP, about the wonders of a name change.

Whatever the outcome, the real fun starts tomorrow when all the muzzles come off. Win or lose, all of Harper's Alberta cronies will finally be allowed to say whatever they want.

Pass the popcorn and beer please.

57 Channels

Well not quite. We get 14 channels, but there is still nothing on. Just to illustrate just HOW BAD Irish television is, I've typed out the TV schedule for the main channels for tonight from 7-11. I'm not including the news or sports networks, though I might add that sports=football only, and not always even Premiership level.

7pm
Ear to the Ground - religious show
The Cafe - "fast paced show" with two people I've never heard of
Something Gaelic
Emmerdale - REALLY crappy British soap
Lobby Lives - behind the scenes look at the Belfast Europa Hotel
Seaon Ticket - guide to the weekend soccer, rugby and Gaelic football action
Emmerdale - on another channel!
Channel 4 News
The Simpsons
Hollyoaks - really cheesy "teen" British soap

7.30pm
EastEnders - crappy British soap
Two Wild: Massive Nature
Irish Paint Magic - seriously
10 Years Younger - reality show. Cosmetic experts make haggard people look 10 years younger
EastEnders - on another channel!
Hearts and Minds - gets to the heart of the debate on the future of the Province (I don't know which province)
After They Were Famous - this week: Gary Coleman
The Simpsons
Celebrity (Z-listers) Big Brother Live - crappiest reality show on TV. Everytime you watch it, the baby Jesus cries, and three angels lose their wings.

8pm
Fair City - incredibly crappy Irish soap - it's on EVERY NIGHT at 8pm. What a waste of a prime time slot
Two Wild: Nick's Quest - Nick travels to the North Pole to find out the effect global warming has had on the polar bear population
Something Gaelic
Las Vegas
Seaside Rescue - documentary series on the work of coastal rescue teams
Pay Off Your Mortgage in Two Years - and eat only Ramen noodles in order to do it
The Bill - Steve and Laura are stunned to find a room full of cannabis plants in a student residence. Stunned? Really?
10 Years Younger - Different time, different channel, same reality show crap
Project Catwalk - hosted by Elizabeth Hurley. Search for Britain's next fashion designer. A rip-off of The Apprentice. Oh how the mighty have fallen since the end of the Austin Powers franchise.
Friends - again

8.30pm
Something in Gaelic
Super Vets
Friends - AGAIN. Just in case you haven't seen one of the episodes the first 50 times

9pm
News
The Liffey Laugh - Irish stand-up comedy series
Invasion - series. Town under quarantine. It's the end of the world as we know it.
Supernatural - Sci-fi drama series
Hotel Babylon - drama series set in the world of the luxury 5-star hotel
Horizon - documentary about women who have miscarriages trying to have babies
Eleventh Hour - brand-new thriller series starring Patrick Stewart of Star Trek fame
Celebrity Big Brother - another time, another channel, in case you haven't lost enough brain cells already today
Cold Case
ER

9.30pm
Prime Time - current affairs
Movie: The Core - heard of it? Me neither

10pm
Hanging with Hector - Hector visits Bruff in Co. Limerick where he catches up with comedian Jon Kenny
Something in Gaelic
Will and Grace - this is still on the air?
BBC News
Pets are People - I'm not making this up
Tony Blair Rock Star - documentary about Blair's attempt to become a rock star while at uni
Bones
Celebrity Big Brother's Big Mouth - a panel of experts discuss the latest happenings in the house. Just in case you really are that stupid.

10.30pm
Something in Gaelic
Hot Properties - the girls are horrified when they learned that they all drink dialled. The horror
Let's Talk - audience discussion programme that tackles the big issues in Northern Ireland
News
News
My Name is Earl

10.45pm
The West Wing - because with all the other worthy shows on earlier in the evening, this one isn't worthy of a prime time slot

This is a representation of what's on TV on a nightly basis - or rather, what's NOT on TV. Soapstar Superstar might be over, because that's been on almost every night for the past few weeks. Third-rate soapstars on a Pop Idol-esque reality show is way, way worse than the regular Pop Idol. Obviously the Irish don't know what real TV is, because they lap it up. The first few episodes of "Weeds" were on TV in December, but it's now off the air. I guess the acting and writing wasn't up to snuff.

What does an Irish programmer have for qualifications? Zero knowledge of popular culture and really bad taste? Hell, a monkey can do a better job. Before someone comments that the Irish broadcasters probably don't have the funds to buy half decent programmes, and by the way, Hollywood Squares is better than most of these, and is probably not as expensive, half of the channels I get are British. Not only that, but anyone who owns a TV - even if it's a non-working set, have to pay a TV license of EUR150 a year. So, we paid EUR150 just to turn the TV on. This tax is ostensibly so that the Irish public television station can bring quality programming to the Irish market.

I shouldn't complain, I don't pay anything for cable. We plugged in the TV and we magically received a bunch of channels. They were just there. However, the TV license inspector did pay us a visit and remind us of our obligations as privileged TV owners. I bet his mother is proud of him. So, we did cough up EUR150 so that we won't miss a single episode of "Pets are People" and "Celebrity Big Brother."

I've been Googling "online TV on demand" in the hopes of finding a reliable site where I can download TV programmes. I'll even pay a small fee. No luck so far, but I can't wait for it to catch on.