Alpha traveller, beta worker

This month has just blown past. I thought for sure my next entry on here would be my Portugal travelogue (which was fab by the way), but I haven't finished writing it yet, and next thing you know, I've started my new job, been to the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh and it's September 1. Summer is definitely over here, there is a definite chill in the air in the mornings, and it's getting dark by 9pm. In two weeks, my parents arrive for a visit, and then with a blink of an eye, it will be October, and I'll be finding my own apartment. I will miss Thanksgiving. I'm also going to try and book my flight home for Christmas in the next week or two once I get my vacation time signed off. Autumn approaching, talk of Thanksgiving and Christmas....I feel like this year has ended just as I was starting to get it together.

But am I getting it together? I had a bit of a crisis moment today. Luckily, I was in an unnecessary five-hour meeting, which provided me with plenty of time to dwell on my thoughts. The meeting was unnecessary on two fronts: had people been organised, it could have been 3-4 hours shorter, and also that I was even there to begin with.

A recurring thought has popped into my head over the past few days. My travelling style and my work style are completely different. It didn't hit me until I was in Edinburgh. A friend had texted me to see what I was up to and to possibly meet up. I responded saying that I was just about to the top of Arthur's Seat so maybe after I got back down. He responded with, "man, you don't fool around". I had arrived in Edinburgh that morning, headed off to a festival show, got a bite to eat, and climbed Arthur's Seat, all in the span of a few hours. They were all things I wanted to do and I was getting them in.

After I got back from Portugal, I had a conversation with my flatmate about the pace of travel. There is a hotel down the street from where we live that is popular with tour groups and the tour busses are always there early in the morning to pick up passengers. He commented that leaving a hotel at 7am to get to your next destination was his idea of hell. He likes to relax on his vacations (says he who is currently cycling in Kashmir). I responded that I'm the opposite. I wouldn't be out the door at 7am, but when I'm travelling, I'm out of bed and at breakfast by 9am and I don't even need to use an alarm. He was a bit incredulous because he knows what time I roll out of bed at on an average Saturday. Travelling is different though. I have a full day of things I want to see and do and I'm ready to go. I also don't really stop during the day. I don't usually want to. I would much prefer to sight-see all day and then go back to the B&B for a shower before going out for a relaxing dinner. If I had to characterise my travelling style, I would definitely say type A. I hate resorts, I like doing "things" on my vacations, and I try to travel whenever money and time allows.

While I'm doing very well on the travel front, I'm proving to be a complete failure in the work world. This week hasn't been a good one at work. Actually it's been god-awful. I've wanted to quit a couple of times and I don't know that I'm going to stick it out the six months. I probably should for the sake of my CV, but my CV is pretty much ruined by my little European excursion anyway, so it might not matter much at this point. First off, I'm really, really bored, which is never a good thing with me, as some of you might well be aware. I'm still in training and I just want to get it over with already and start doing stuff. Also, when I was hired, I was told I would be brought in on a couple of projects which were really interesting, but because my start date was then delayed, I am not on those projects any more, which means they can't really go on my CV - so why am I there again? The five-hour meeting was for one of those projects, and I spent most of the time stewing that I am not involved, they're so disorganised about it, and I could do a much better job of the running of the event. I mean, this is what I did at the ad agency. I tried to put in some gentle, good suggestions (really obvious stuff) and was mostly ignored. I was given one task, and it's a bit of a no-brainer. During the event, I'm holding down the fort back at the office, and I have to send out the press release at the appointed time. Ooooh, don't know if I can do it. They then asked me about four times if I was clear about my job. I said, yes every time, except the fourth time when I possibly, slightly snotty said 'crystal'. Oops. In my defence, I was now also annoyed that the meeting was going well past 5:30, which meant that by the time I got back to the office, and caught the train, I would miss my super spin class at the gym. I'm there for no reason AND I'm missing super spin. My boss pulled me aside afterwards, and I thought it was to give out on me for that, but it was to tell me she's pregnant. Oh. I thought she was looking a bit pudgy. My first thought after that was, 'Great, you're the one who actually gives me stuff to do occasionally and now you're leaving for a few months'. This thought was quickly followed by, 'Oh god, this doesn't mean that co-worker who is emotionally unstable and a total bitch will now be in charge, does it?' Just shoot me now. So of course, I've lost all enthusiasm in the job because I'm doing absolutely nothing of interest and the future isn't looking too bright. This also a bad sign because I haven't even been there a month yet, and there is only so long that I can hide my ambivalence.

I know, I should wait it out a bit more to give it a better chance. Once the girl I'm replacing leaves at the end of next week, I'll start doing the work myself and will be busier. I might also then have better control to ask for more challenging stuff - especially when pregnant boss starts to scale back her workload. Then again, I know already that this job is probably not for me. Of course, no job has been right for me - ever. I don't know how people can plug away at a job day-in and day-out until retirement. I really envy people who say they like what they do, because I don't think I do. I also envy people who can stick around at a company long enough to start earning a decent paycheque. I have never been able to stick it out anywhere long enough to amass decent experience and the money that comes along with it. I'm conscious of the fact that people way younger than me are surpassing me on the corporate ladder. But I don't know if this is something I even want to be climbing. Maybe I'm not a worker. Sometimes I think it's because I need to be my own boss. In my more self-righteous moments, I'll admit that I think it's because I'm too smart for the corporate world.

Maybe I have found something I like though. I like to write for sure, and I also really like to edit. The only joy I get out of my job right now is writing and editing for the newsletter - and it's just a company newsletter, the content is far from exciting. So maybe a career change is in order. This isn't the first time I've thought about this (far from it). The only thing stopping me is that I don't have any experience, so I would be entry-level (again) in a very low-paying field. Also, I'm tired of giving up on my jobs. I try hard to stick through everything. Until this year, I stayed on a team until the end of a season, I never dropped a course, and I stuck it out here when things truly sucked. When it comes to work, however, I carry a disk with my updated CV on it with me every day and I'm ready to bolt at the next available offer. Maybe, I need to start sucking it up and sticking it out and eventually it will get good. I might even have a career someday. Then again, ask me on Monday if I've picked up the Guardian (media Monday) and what I'm really doing at work with the newspaper - and no, I won't be examining it for company mentions.